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Friday, September 5, 2008

Farewell, Hanna; Hello, Ike

Here we go again. And Ike is very scary. Hanna is dumping wind and rain on us right now (6:53 am Friday).

Here is what I wrote after Hurricane Floyd, in which we were trapped in a motel room with no power or water. It's called "The Hurricane Diet."

Two days before evacuation, prepare a hurricane kit that includes many batteries, first aid and nearly inedible canned meats.

Worry so much that you lose your appetite.

Work hard at packing up, preparing the outside of your house, etc. Sweat a lot.

Evacuate late and stay in a line of cars for eight hours. Don’t stop to eat, because it’s too hard to get back in line.

Settle in to your hotel.

If the storm turns your way, stock up on the same prison food you bought for home.

Hole up in your room without electricity or water and survive on Spam Spread, crackers, and bananas. You won’t eat much. It’s too disgusting.

When you head home, enjoy the air-conditioning in your car and recharge the cell phone.

Upon arriving home, start clearing debris. You will lose many pounds in the exercise known as the Debris Haul. It will be hot and humid and the pounds will melt off.

The Snake Jog is very beneficial for raising the heart rate and tightening leg muscles. Your high jump is worthy of the NBA.

After a few days of no electricity or fresh drinking water, you will notice quite a difference. You will be slimmer in spite of living on Vienna Sausages and food cooked on the grill. Your thinking will be dulled and you will be chock full of nitrites, but who cares? Check out that girlish waist!